But Anyway...

Stolen from Fish and Pancake.

One little compliment can make you feel amazing. So give me a compliment, anything in the entire world, even that my shoelaces are pretty. Put this in your journal. And once you get some comments, put that entry in a memory or tag and when you are feeling down, just go to that entry and this will remind that you're not so bad in other people's eyes after all.

Please say something nice? D: Please?

Oh, and by the way, Dark Knight was freaking awesome.

--Crystal-chan

Well, I got the job. Orientation is on the 24th and then I have to work 16 hours a week. I have to work every Monday for the next three weeks and every Saturday, and every shift is four hours so that leaves two days for me to schedule. Overall, it's not bad at all, the job itself is really easy, I get to pretty much set my own schedule, and at nine dollars an hour I certainly shouldn't have any complaints. The shifts are from nine to one in the morning and seven to eleven at night, and I'd much rather have my shifts in the morning so I can have the afternoons to myself... if possible I'm going to see if I can carpool with Christine.

I guess I'm just scared that I won't have enough time for everything anymore. I'm scared I won't have enough time for Stephen or I won't be able to see any of my other friends or whatever... it's completely irrational and silly, but I feel nervous anyway. I really hope I can work mornings...

Right, need to stop being anxious, this is a cause for celebration. DX Rawr!

--Crystal-chan

[x] the dark (I blame every horror movie ever)
[ ] staying single forever
[x] being a parent (God, I'm so scared I'll end up being like my Mom)
[x] giving birth
[x] being myself in front of others (Depends on the people, but on occasion I do.)
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[x] heights
[x] dogs (Mostly ones that bark a lot)
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[ ] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants

Total so far: 6

[ ] being touched
[ ] fire
[x] deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[x] the ocean
[x] failure
[ ] success
[x] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[x] my boyfriend's/girlfriend's dad
[ ] boyfriend's/girlfriend's mom
[ ] rats
[ ] jumping from high places
[ ] snow

Total so far: 11

[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] crossing hanging bridges
[x] death
[ ] heaven
[x] being robbed
[x] falling
[ ] clowns
[ ] dolls
[ ] large crowds of people
[x] men
[ ] women
[x] having great responsibilities
[x] doctors, including dentists
[x] tornadoes

Total so far: 18

[x] hurricanes (Even though I live in Michigan. XD)
[x] incurable diseases
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[x] ghosts
[x] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[x] school (Does college count? XD)
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[x] being alone
[x] becoming blind
[x] becoming deaf
[x] growing up

Total so far: 27

[x] creepy noises in the night
[x] bee stings
[x] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[x] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] dinosaurs
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] high speed
[ ] throwing up
[ ] falling in love
[ ] super secrets

Final Total: 31

... if you wish to post this in your journal, it's been requested that you title it "I'm afraid of __ out of 72 common fears."

If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 10-20, you are normal.
If you get 10 or less, you’re fearless.
People who don’t have any are liars

Yaaay, I need counseling, surprise surprise.


Right, so I went to Tokubi's for the weekend. It was really fun, we sang songs and drew stuff and were nakama and it was good times. I wore a corset and need to get pictures, because it looked great. I need to buy one. ...I miss her house and her family, I really love that place. On the bright side, yay, back with Stephen~!

Umm... well, in other news, I applied recently for a telemarketing position for the American Cancer Society. Yes, lawl, me, a telemarketer... I really need the job though, and they gave me a call back. I really hope it works out... the phone interview is tomorrow and I are nervous. I guess we'll see how things go.

Right... er... Dark Knight this weekend? Whoo~!

--Crystal-chan

Dear Me,

It has come to my attention that things are seriously screwed up in management these days. No seriously, you've spent the past months doing nothing but emoing and getting worse and worse and messing up everyone you come in contact with. Then of course there was the constant whining about you want to die, life's not worth living, you're a horrible person and the world would be better off without you, blah blah blah.

I think it's time for some changes.

From this day forth, you are a new person. In the words of ToA's Luke Fon Fabre, "With this, I say goodbye to the person that I've been." Cheesy and your hair isn't long enough to chop off, but it works.

I've got a list here, and I want you to follow it, alright? It's going to be hard... but I know you can do it. You've certainly seen enough anime to know how crap like self-determination can carry you pretty damn far, after all.

( The list )

This list is going to be hard to follow. It's going to be hard and there are going to be so many times where you just want to give up and say screw it and crawl into a corner and cry. There are going to be times when you want to just cut things off of this list and be lazy. There will be times when you don't want to bother.

Too bad. You're not going to do any of those things, you're going to suck it up and keep going. Besides, if you ever do want to give up... well, I'm sure your friends will be willing to be there to kick you and tell you to keep going... right? Because contrary to popular belief they don't hate you, they're not fed up with you, and quite a few of them want to help because in spite of you ignoring them and being pretty terrible lately, they're all awesome and love you. You'd better appreciate it.

Good luck and have fun! Life isn't for crying, cheer up emo kid!

Love,
Yourself

Right, so... that's that. Um... I won't ask for support, but if anyone's willing, I'll appreciate it. Either way, this is about me finally sucking it up and learning to stand on my own, so... well, here goes I guess.

...Now if only I knew where to start. ^^;;

Heeey guys.

Going camping, will be gone until Sunday. Stephen's coming so it shall be good times. ^^ I'm excited, we'll be together for five days... granted, my family will be there too, but whatever. I still loathe camping, but he may make the trip decent.

Right, I'd better go. Later guys~!

--Crystal-chan

So I was youtubing stuff and I found this Juicy Fruit commercial from a few years ago. It amuses me to this day. Good times.

Right, so... Commissions Time!

Yes, that's right, I'm selling commissions because the economy in Michigan fails, so my attempts at getting a job have been fruitless. I really need the money though, hence the commissions. Prices are as follows.

Sketch- $5 Example 1 Example 2

Shaded Picture- $10 Example 1 Example 2

Inked Picture-$10 + background $15 Example

CG- $20 Example 1 Example 2

Extra dollar or two may be added if you want several characters (More than two, I'm figuring) in a picture, but at most a picture probably won't cost too much.

I am willing to do pretty much anything from any series, any pairing, anything, as long as it's not hentai. I am also willing to do things like fancharacters, just be sure you give me a good description.

You can pay me either through paypal or you can send me the money in the mail... yes, I'm trusting that you aren't going to use the knowledge of my address to send any stalkers/fangirls after me.

Right, so if you want commissions, e-mail me at digitaldreamer2000@msn.com and fill out this form:

Name:
Type of Drawing:
Description of Picture: (any visual references, describe anything specific you want, be it clothing, setting, pose, pairing, whatever. If you don't leave me a reference or fail to mention something... well, I'll probably show you the sketch to make sure it looks alright, but if you don't mention anything and you're not happy with the finished product there's very little I can do)
Method of Payment:

We'll exchange e-mails and figure stuff out. I'm not going to get started until I have my payment, but I promise I'll have your picture done as quickly as possible and to the best of my ability.

Yes, ZoLu fans, this is your chance to get moar ZoLu art from me. :P Same goes for things like Danny Phantom, Kingdom Hearts, whatever you miss me drawing, as well as other stuff. So hey, take the opportunity, and also help me have the money for groceries when I go to college!

Please do ask for commissions, I need the moneys! ;_;

My apologies to those of you who I worried yesterday. Please don't... I don't plan on killing myself. I mean, I wish I could end it all with no consequences, but yeah... everyone would be hurt and it would be a major burden on them, even more than my current existence is.

The therapy thing... yeah, I'm gonna ask my mom. I'm going to point out that if I really don't have depression, she'll only have to pay for one or two sessions, and our health insurance probably has to pay some anyway. So uh... yeah, just need to work up the courage to pop the question, I guess.

Soooo I got a new keyboard today. I destroyed my old one back in December and have been using my brother's ever since, but yesterday he took his back so I had to use some of the money from my open house to buy a new o. Of course, go figure, macs are only compatible with mac keyboards, and the only off brand keyboard that would work was actually more expensive than the mac one. Go figure.

On the bright side, I have to admit this keyboard is pretty cool. It's seriously as thick as my iPod... seeing how my iPod is a new nano, yeah, that's really freaking thin. I'm not quite used to typing on it yet, but I have to admit, it's kinda nice. ...I do still miss my old one, though. XD On the bright side, this is actually clean.

I also got myself a bank account today. I'm still working out the savings account and checking account and how to balance stuff and everything, but I'm really excited. I have my own debit card and everything, it's cool! Big news is, now that I have a bank account I can set up a paypal account and start doing commissions.

Yes, that's right, I can start doing commissions!

I'm still working out details, like price and such. I'll make a post when I have everything worked out. In the meantime, start thinking up what you guys would like drawn. :3

So um.. yeah, busy day was busy. And tomorrow I have two open houses too... ayiyiyi. Well, hopefully it'll all work out.

--Crystal-chan

So um... I've had depression for six months now. It kind of gets a tad better and then gets worse again, but even when I feel sort of happy it's hanging over my head. If you've ever read The Bell Jar, it's kind of aggravating to admit that I can match how the main character feels pretty well. I can't listen to most regular music because it makes me sad. I can't watch movies that aren't comedies because they make me sad. I sleep for really long amounts of time, then wake up feeling exhausted. I haven't felt like I really got a decent amount of sleep in months even though I'll sometimes sleep for ten hours.

I don't feel anything about anything anymore. No obsessions, no energy to write or draw... looking at a quiet Raftel and LM just fills me with a distant sadness. When I do feel emotions, they're all very distant things that I feel I SHOULD be feeling, but I don't.Typing out something like a post or dealing with people on IM seems exhausting. Any kind of work seems like a huge deal, the idea of doing stuff for college makes me exhausted... I feel like all I want to do is sleep and never wake up.

Yaaay, moar suicidal thoughts.

I just... I wanted to blog about my open house and say how nice it was, but I'm just... ugh.

I don't know what to do. I feel a bit like I've just been randomly imploding for about a year now and now I'm kind of chilling in the shambles and I just... don't care. It's really worrying.

I'm considering asking mom about therapy, but she'll probably just say I need to sleep more and exercise or something. This is perfectly normal after all, it's just a transition period. This is life.

Part of me wonders if she's just saying that because she doesn't want to pay for a psychiatrist. Hey, it makes sense, we're pretty much broke and all I do is suck out money.

I'm just... I don't know. I want it to end, that's all.

--Crystal-chan

Sooo commencement was yesterday. Prior to it was my friend Mary's open house, which was pretty fun in spite of the massive drama between two recently broken up friends. During the open house some rather ominous clouds rolled in and we quite suddenly were hit by a massive thunder storm, which knocked out the power and almost caused commencement to be cancelled.

I'm not quite sure what that says about my class, but it seems oddly fitting.

The ceremony itself was nice, although we all nearly died from heat stroke. They had to move the ceremony inside because of the weather, which was NOT fun. I was honestly scared to walk because I was afraid I would pass out when I reached for my diploma. Fortunately, I didn't, although I still felt very wavery on my feet. It was a strange feeling... all four years leading up to that, and it still felt as if I were walking in a dream. It was weird.

Then of course the glow faded when I realized we still have twenty rows to go through and my light-headedness wasn't wearing off. They really should have given up water bottles or something. Once the ceremony was over no one bothered with the ordered walking out, we all just swarmed for the door. Of course, I had to utter "This is madness!", which lead to Sebastian and I egging Stephen on until he finally screamed at the top of his lungs over the cacophony "Madness? THIS! IS! SPAAAARTAAAAAAAAAAA!"

That was probably the best moment right there.

So after that there was a lot of people hugging me and congratulating me and there were pictures and it was all very nice. I'm going to need to upload the pictures of my friends and I that I took before the ceremony and see if I can get any others that people took. After that me, Stephen, Mary and her boyfriend Eric went looking for Auburn, who had vanished, so we all split up and met back at Mary's house later. After that there was cake eating (there was a LOT of cake left over from Mary's open house), wondering over what we should do, hanging out at McDonalds until they kicked us out and horrible crooning of Linkin Park songs. It was probably one of the best nights I've had.

Of course, when I came home our power was out. D: It only recently came back on, if I hadn't been so busy today I probably would have gone nuts. As for why I was so busy today?

My braces are finally off! :D Yay! Granted, I have a retainer and it's icky and aggravating (it's like... the illusion of freedom, but no, I have to wear this crap 24/7 for six months), but at least the metal is gone. It's really nice.

So yeah... in all, it's been a nice two days, lack of electricity aside. Now if I could get those pictures uploaded...

--Crystal-chan

Annnd then I couldn't sleep.

My commencement ceremony is tomorrow. I'm graduating tomorrow.

...I don't really know what to think. I should feel happy, but I just feel... I don't know what I feel. Kind of sad? Scared? I don't really know.

Sad... I look back on all those memories, meeting everyone freshmen year, my friends, my underclassmen posse, all those inside jokes, Raftel, all those role plays that meant so much to me, those fandoms, those fanfics, everything... and now it's all just memories and not much else.

...Was it all worth it? Did I do... anything at all? After everything I've been through, all those people I supposedly affected, after all those stupid chapters were written and posts were made and IM conversations were finished and drama was had over stupid things both on the internet and not... did it mean anything? Have I even grown, have I even changed? Does it matter?

...Did I do anything worthwhile? Do I matter? I've always told myself it doesn't matter what happens in the grand scheme of things, life isn't an anime, after all. One person cannot change the entire world... but one person can change things for other people, and to those people, that may be the world.

...Have I done that, in the end? Did being best friends with Kaya do anything? What about Sarah? Duo, Pancake, Noelle, Saiyako, all those people who meant so much to me... did any of that matter? Being Stephen's girlfriend... he says I mattered, but have I really done anything but hurt him more? Being an admin for Raftel, running LM... did that matter? Writing those fics, encouraging all those other writers, smiling and laughing at all those nice reviews... did that matter? Obsessing, being happy doing that, creating... does anything I do matter?

...Do I matter?

I sit here at the end of it all, watching a quiet Raftel, a quiet LM, quiet friends list, lists of phone numbers I can call that I'm still to shy to do so... and I don't know what to make of it.

And then I write melodrama. Fail.

But I just... have to wonder, I guess. What's the point of any of it? The point of life is to be happy, isn't it? To make memories? To form connections, even if they don't last forever? I've done that, haven't I?

Was there a point to any of it?

Does that matter?

Is this what life is? Happiness for 18 years and then you spend the rest questioning and wondering and being sad, wondering if all the little happy things you enjoyed meant anything? I'm just... confused. Was there a point to any of it? Am I bad for doing the things I do? Am I bad for being the way I am, for obsessing and fangirling and doing all the stupid things I do? Am I bad for making friends and then being so pathetic about keeping up with them? Am I bad? Is that the only way it matters, that I'm bad? I enjoy spending my life this way, does that make me a bad person? Is that why I keep being so sad?

Does that even matter?

I want to understand, but I don't even know what I want to understand. I want to know if I mattered. I want to know if I'm a bad person for being so obsessive and fangirling. I want to know if there's even a point to all this creative crap I do, I want to know if all those friendships even matter, I want to know why I keep being so selfish and hurting people, I want to know why I'm like this and why I keep being so stupidly sad and why... I don't even know.

I don't even know, and that's kind of the problem, isn't it?

At least that probably doesn't matter.

So Priest IMed me today and informed me a girl we all used to RP with, Hea, is looking for me. Now see Hea was... special. She once posted a page-long rant rambling about how bad I was at playing Sora in the AU KH RP we used to be in together and was basically a big reason for my shift in the self-confidence department. She basically RPed nothing but Sues and Stus and was a complete attention whore. She used me, Kaya, and Priest as rant posts and not much else. After a few years of this we all got fed up with it and Kaya and Priest blocked her... I didn't because I'm too nice.

And apparently Priest unblocked her on accident and she spent two hours ranting about how she needs to talk to me. It's probably because I was the only one too nice to block her. Apparently she hasn't changed at all.

I suppose it's comforting to know I'll always matter to my stalkers. </sarcasm>

--Crystal-chan

Well, rough weekend was rough.

Prom was... both spectacular and not. Me, Stephen, Sarah, Charlie and Sam went to Ukai for dinner, which is a Bennihana-type place. It was really cool, although I feel bad because I ate more than anyone. ^^;; I was hungry, so... neh. Then actual prom... well, there was a lot of sucky drama and a lot of it could have been avoided, but there were some good times too and the last hour was great, so overall it's not so bad.

Today was Kara's birthday party, which was quite fun. My sophomore posse was there, so I got to parade around and pretend to have an ego and to have everyone's eyes on me. I'm gonna miss those guys, they're all awesome.

Unfortunately, I had to leave the party early for a job interview at Vector Marketing. I went there, made it through the first interview, sat through a 90 minute presentation and got hired on the spot as a sales rep... of course, once I got back home all excited my dad looked into it and we figure it's a scam. Go figure. *sigh* I guess $14 dollars an hour and setting up my own schedule is too good to be true... ah well, I'd have a hard time getting my license and driving to sell stuff anyway. I can't deny I feel really bummed though, I was really excited and needed the money... it's really depressing that out of all the jobs I've gone for, the only place that's hired me is pretty much a scam. Go figure. My dad was all "You can sell stuff for me!" or "You can sell your art!" but that didn't really help... I don't want to be taking MORE money from my dad and I just don't think art commissions are going to bringing in as much money as a regular JOB.

Don't get me wrong, I'm feeling better now and I'm mostly over it, it's just kind of depressing. Oh well.

So yeah... weekend could have been better, but at least there were some good points. I guess that's what I get for having such high expectations. Poor Stephen's all stressed out because of school stuff, too. Ick.

Well... on the bright side, no school tomorrow. Also, I wrote a fanfic! If any of you like .hack//G.U. you should totally go read it. I mean... it's technically my usual fare of drama and torture and such, but I'm just writing it for fun and I honestly think if you like the game it'll be a fun read. So yeah, you should go here and check it out.

Well... today was my last day of high school.

There was much craziness. First I went to LCC and Sebastion brought his Wii, so we hooked it up to the projector and played Brawl the whole class. Then I gave Chad a hug, we all lawled at negative space and left. Then in Independent Study I gave my art teacher some chocolate and a letter, and then Mary and I made the board amazing. Speaking of Mary, she made her hair into a giant mohawk, it was amazing. Oh... and I got a yearbook. I thought I wouldn't because I lost the check, but it turns out I left it at Stephen's house, so he walked all the way to his house, grabbed my check, then came back and got a yearbook for me during third hour. So sweet~!

So yeah, then lunch came and there was much madness and yearbook signing and picture taking and yelling of Sparta references. People said really nice things in my yearbook... I guess people actually like me? Surprising. Then came Government and my final exam, which I don't think I did too badly on. Then there was college writing, wherein the teacher gave us a joke essay, so I wrote about my plans to take over the world. After that was our big practice commencements thing, but because they started it too late no one stuck around to walk. After that there was much panicked running since I had to get my exit form signed and turned in, Jamie wanted pictures and I wanted hugs, but I had to go get my hair cut...

So now I'm sitting here with shorter hair and a signed yearbook and I'm kind of... here, I guess. It feels like it hasn't really hit me yet... it feels like a normal Friday, really aside from the craziness today. It hasn't quite hit yet that this really is it, there's just prom and commencements and... well, that really is it. There's still my open house, but I didn't invite too many people to that... dang. It's just really weird.

High school's done. Wow.

...There's not much more to say, I guess. I hope I'm able to keep in touch with everyone and see them a few more times before it's all over... I wanted to hang out with everyone after school today, but we all had places to be and prom is tomorrow, even though everyone isn't going to that... ah well.

...Yeah.

--Crystal-chan

I never thought I would have to say these words to my little brother:

"I'm sorry, I don't know where you can get a dress!"

...He's playing the maid in his school play (not by choice) and needs to find a costume. Yeah... I said that and it was then that it occurred to me just how odd my life is.


Edit: And then of course Stephen had to say "Well, you know, they have maid outfits at Spencers". DX

MOAR EDIT: Well, my sister and I found him an old dress and dress shirt from when I was in sixth grade. ...He looks depressingly good in it.

EVEN MOAR EDIT: ..and my brother's all like "What should I do about my legs?"


"...Nylons? :D"

Well, today was... ugh. It figures after a great day like yesterday things would all go to hell. I woke up and things seemed fine, but then I remembered Froggy's birthday party was today... Stephen didn't want to go but I felt like I had to, and then I spent the next hour freaking out needlessly and causing a fight. Then once that was all sorted out and things seemed alright there was ANOTHER misunderstanding and another fight. Then when the time came for the party I ended up not going... then when I was deciding to go to Stephen's house my mom said we were going to a party... I suggested Stephen come since usually all I do at those things is hang out in a room by myself and read and I figured we could just chill out together, but he didn't want to since... yeah, party full of people he doesn't know = bad and after this terrible week he's been outright exhausted and just wanted to sleep.

After suggesting it I felt terrible because I've been all "rawr, I'm sick of just sitting around and doing the same old thing", and of course this week was really not the time for that since Stephen has said all he wants to do is sleep. So I freaked out more, which exhausted him... and then I felt bad and he didn't care whether I came or not and when I explained this to mom she made me go to the party. When I called Stephen to explain and apologize he was in a hurry to get off since he was playing Soldier Front.... that might mean he was over it but I still feel terrible.

So yeah, I went to the party, which was at this really nice house and just laid in the living room and read Harry Potter... it was really relaxing, but it would have been nicer if Stephen was there. Around 7:00 I commandeered a laptop and used meebo to try to apologize, but Stephen was away... so after apologizing more I got off and read. Now I'm back.... and I feel bad for having a nice time. X___x It feels like betrayal, like I should have been at his house even if Stephen was probably too tired to do much more than sleep anyway, and since I wasn't there I should have been miserable at the party... I feel like a horrible person.

I keep messing up. No matter what I do, I keep messing up. I always say the wrong thing or don't say anything when I should or my impulse to do something is wrong or I'm being selfish or I feel like I want to do something exciting at a time when it's totally selfish or I have fun when I've made people's days miserable... and then every time it seems like things are getting better I go and do something else wrong.

Go figure.

--Crystal-chan

Sooo, this week was crazy. First there was drama on Monday, then after the drama was Class Night. I was excited for Class Night because of the mock awards where I got nominated for most artistic, but of course I didn't win since the other girl who was nominated is on the student council and is really popular. Bah. It also ended up being depressing because I wasn't able to afford preordering a yearbook, so everyone got one but me. That adds to the senior shirt that I couldn't get due to not having the money at the time, in spite of wanting one.

Then on Tuesday was the Senior Farewell concert, which wasn't nearly as awesome as last year but I still cried. Our senior song is "You'll Be in My Heart"... yeah, the one from Tarzan. Not so bad, I guess, by all means it could have been worse. I cried, of course. Then I was randomly emo and there was more drama. Wednesday was even more emoing until after school, wherein the emoing was broken up with some awesome when Stephen, Sarah and I went to the Hall of Justice for Government. They have way more security than is necessary for the learning hall. The exhibits were amusing in a "this is for second graders" sort of way. After that we went to Tim Hortons, which was awesome. Of course, once I got back home there was more emo drama that lasted until eleven, ew.

Thursday... well, had some good and not good. First I found out that Senior Honors night was on Wednesday. Apparently my art teacher presented an art honors pin for me and gave a speech about me where she cried so hard she had to have another girl read the rest. I wasn't there because I never got the letter saying I was invited (some of our mail is missing) and when the art teacher asked if "you'll be at honors night, right?" I thought she was talking to Mary. X__x Suffice to say, I feel REALLY bad that I wasn't there. I'll have to buy the art teacher some chocolate to make it up for her, she's been the best to me these past four years. On the bright side I still got the pin, which was cool. Then after school I went to the city hall to register to vote... except since I live one minute outside of town, it turns out I couldn't register there. Go figure. I had to get the registering done so I could get the PIG points to pass government, so I was a tad worried... and then there was even more drama once I got home.

So this morning I woke up and was fully convinced today was going to be another awful day to match this depressing week, but that wasn't the case. First we got portfolios at LCC, then my mom picked me up from LCC and took me to register to vote. The secretary of state's office had no one in it, so we got done in ten minutes. After that, mom took me to the Peanut Shop and then got me lunch before dropping me off at school. I got there in time to help the art teacher spray the pastel pictures and I got a mask to wear during it so I wouldn't inhale the fumes, which I found amusing since it's so much bigger than my face. Then Government and College Writing were fun since there were like, five people in each class since today was senior skip day. After all that I went to Stephen's house and conked out for awhile, then we had pizza and played some N64 (Pokemon Stadium, good times), went for a walk and talked to his mom and stuff. It was a very good day.

Oh, did I mention I got another scholarship? Yeah, apparently since Ferris State University owns Kendall, I qaulified for their Dean Scholarship... so yeah, I got another $12,000 dollars to spread across four years. ...Yeah, wow. I didn't even know I got it, it was a real surprise. That brings it up to $7000 already being paid per year, since I still don't know what I got for my FAFSA.

At any rate... yaaay. It was a really rough week, but things are looking up. Yay. Now if I could just get LM and Raftel to be not dead...

...eee, scholarship!

Alright, so Zelnor (a fan of Cursum Perficio) is insane and has way too much free time on his hands. On that note, listen to this while reading this amazing thing he made.

( Nereus is having a wonderful time. )

Is this what growing up is supposed to be?

Constantly stressed, constantly terrified of what's to come, never able to do what needs to be done, always hurting people... just a constant overhanging cloud of depression. Constantly wishing for it to be over, wanting to go to sleep and never wake up, just wishing to die? Is this normal?

My mom said it is... she says it's a transition period and it's normal. Is that true? Is this really it?

I can't get a job, I can't seem to get my drivers license, I -still- fail at talking to people, there's just this constant weight of depression, I keep hurting my boyfriend because my heart is so flip-floppy and I'm not sure about committing, the future is terrifying ... what happened to last year? Last year was so wonderful, and I was imagining how this year was supposed to be so great... and in the end while it's had some great moments and some happy times, and while I've got Stephen... I feel more depressed and alone than I ever have.

I hate myself. It's not getting better... it's like I have some gaping wound that healed over, but under the scab everything's still infected.

How corny and stupid. Why am I even whining anymore? It doesn't matter. May as well get used to it, there's no way out.

There isn't any way out, is there? Praying didn't help, I can't see a psychiatrist and even if I did, I doubt it would help since it requires strength to change, and let's face it, I don't have it. I'm weak, I'm pathetic, I'm horrible, etc.

May as well just accept it. It's not going to get better anyway.

Well, this weekend was a pretty nice one. Dylan came over and Stephen did too, so on Friday we watched Juno, a movie which I must say I adored. Saturday Stephen and I went to the carnival and we had a nice time, I won a giant squeaky hammer which is awesome. After the carnival we went back to my house and watched Hana Yori Dango with Dylan, a Japanese drama which amuses me because it's seriously pretty much an anime. Then today my family didn't go to church since we're working on remodeling the house in time for my open house, so I did some LM stuff and hung out with Dylan more before he went home.

Um... yeah. So yeah, nice weekend has been nice. I just... I don't know, I feel sad. When Dylan was here we were looking at pictures from when we were younger and it was fun... and it just seemed to remind me that I only have a month to go before school is over, the summer.... and then everything changes. That thought has been making me very sad lately... I don't know why. I look back at all the nice times I've had and I just feel depressed... I've still had good times this year, but lately there's been a lot more depression.... and I'm just scared with this change is going to come even less happy times and more depression and angst and bleh. Granted, this is something I tend to fear a lot and it's never right, good times always come, but even so... the idea that those days where I was happy and carefree every day, even when it was just a nondescript day and nothing terribly amazing happened... the idea that those are over and I'm always going to be like this from now on, constantly feeling sort of down with bursts of little happy in between... it's just not a happy thought, I guess.

Bleh... I know that's probably not true. The future probably isn't nearly as bad as I think, change is a good thing, etc, etc... I know. But it's hard not to be scared/depressed/whatever else.

I just think of those happy days and I miss them, that's all. It's stupid and melodramatic, but I'm worried those days have permanently passed for me.

--Crystal-chan